So maybe titles are overrated...

Especially when you can't think of one...

Here we are again...Gen X Life...I can't seem to quit you.

So...happening in my life right now...playoff  hockey, waiting for Yacht Rock to come back to Sirius (hey I don't judge you), and haunting Target & Publix for Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs. I can't seem to quit them either. I rationalize this, by saying things like, 'they only come around once a year' and 'it's tradition' and 'it's Easter, I am pretty sure God would want it this way, after all He made chocolate and peanut butter...right?'

I've been giving a lot of thought to my former post and pondering my life. The things that are working and the things that need 'tweaking', or 'editing'. I haven't reached the conclusions that I thought I would. That's hardly surprising though. So much of my time is spent in the service of others, it's basically my whole job. New guy in the office observed recently, "I've never seen anyone multi-task so many things at once." And I thought, "It's no wonder I can never seem to think about what's really important, what's next in my own life. I am too busy thinking of what's next in terms of keeping all the clients happy, keeping everything afloat." Juggling. 

Frankly, I am a tired and apparently crappy juggler. Up until now, I was so full of my own importance, being essential to my job, to my family, to even my classmates at improv, it never occurred to me to wonder if I was actually accomplishing any of the 'big picture' things such as personal fulfillment, joy, meeting personal goals, maybe actually finding my 'someone' or traveling, etc.

I dig still deeper...do I do that, fixate on my work performance, family, etc. because of my ever present fear of failure, my own personal boogie man that doesn't merely live under my bed like he used to when I was 6, but now rides shotgun in the car, lives under my desk at work and in the corners of my subconscious mind? Making it that much easier to succumb to the pull of inertia and just kick the can down the road a little longer.

Another conclusion I come to, is a bit surprising. I always seem to be on some epic quest for my 'soulmate', or call it 'true love', 'finding the one', etc. There are lots of ways to express it, but the other day it occurred to me, that there are soulmates everywhere in my life, that there is love.  I mean, in a mind-blowing, 'wow, I didn't see this coming' kind of way. There are these wonderful people I am in classes with, some of whom I've come to know through drinks after shows, etc. Actors who pour their whole lives into their careers and who inspire me through their passion and sometimes, through their struggles. I've met gifted engineer types who also just happen to be incredibly funny, programmers, veterinarians, administrative and finance types like me,  people from all walks of life who in this surprisingly weird way, I love. For their courage, their humanity, their willingness to be vulnerable, and for the fact that we share some sort of unique kinship the minute we are on stage together.

So, yeah...titles are a bit overrated. Think I am going to give up mine..."Perfectionistic Administrator" "Best Daughter/Sister/Aunt in World", "World-Class Improviser"...and just assume one "Imperfect Human Being"...