Advice To My Niece On Her Eighteenth Birthday

I know a little bit about regret...

After all yesterday was Thanksgiving. As I reached for the antacids, I re-lived every mouthful of the damage I'd wrought to my digestive system while overindulging at a champagne buffet. I have no excuses to offer other than the fact that just about everything tastes better when accompanied by the fruity effervescence that is champagne. So...I...ate...well...everything...

But this is a different kind of regret. The kind that only comes with time and experience. The kind you wish someone had told you about.

My eldest niece turned eighteen today. I know that seems impossible given how young and fabulous I am, but sadly, 'tis true!

I was a bit shocked and taken aback upon realizing this fact because it really does seem, when viewed through my eyes, like yesterday, when I was feeding her strained carrots and she was spitting them back out all over her bib as fast as I could shovel them in her mouth,  reading her favorite book, "Mr. Brown Can Moo Can You!", when I first flew to Boston to visit and she realized I was there and hugged me so tight I couldn't breathe.

But time and distance are such formidable foes. We are somewhat strangers these days.

I so desire I could tell her the things I wish I'd known at eighteen.
So here goes....

1. Get the college degree...Get that stupid piece of paper.  No matter what it costs, no matter what you have to do to get it. To the world, it matters.  How much you've read and how naturally bright you are doesn't really factor in the world's eyes', in HR's eyes. All they see is the piece of paper or the lack of it. To them, you are your resume, your CV. You can talk about Bill Gates all you want. You aren't Bill Gates.

2. Don't miss out on opportunities because you feel that it 'isn't the right time'. If you keep waiting for the right time, you'll end up missing everything.

3. It's not all about money. I left the job that I loved most in the world, the thing that made me the happiest in life, assisting in a veterinary hospital, because another person I respected more than myself convinced me I needed more money and status to be happy. It's the worst decision I ever made. Life is way more than what's in your wallet.

4. Have Faith. I am not exactly trying to proselytize here. But let me say that, in the best of times, in the worst of times, it is my bedrock belief and faith in God that has been the anchor of my life. When things go wrong, and they will, you need something and someone higher to turn to.

5. Believe in Love. No matter what others tell you, no matter how many times they tell you you're too picky, that you're looking for something that doesn't exist, even if it never comes in this life, believe.
It matters.

6. Quit looking to others to make you happy. They never will and frequently it is their opinions that are the chains that most bind you. It's up to you to make your own happiness. Seek happiness. Let go of people who drag you down, who use you for their own ends, even if it's difficult to do, in the end, you'll be better for it.

7. Beware of credit. Learn about money, about saving. Take classes, read about it. Basically, if you can't afford something with the means you have right now, you don't need it. Having a credit card for true emergencies that you pay immediately is one thing, taking 3-4 cards just because you can is  foolhardy. Credit agencies love to give 'college kids' cards. But with credit cards, much like gambling, the advantage is always with the house.

8. Make time for family. It's important. Last fall, I put off seeing Uncle Bob when he first got to Florida because I was busy, because 'the time just wasn't right'. I rationalized, he'll be here until the spring, I've plenty of time. Only, I didn't. He was gone before I'd ever had a chance to see him again. With life, you never know if the opportunity to see family that you put off might be the last time you'll ever see them.

9. Forgive Often. Don't hold grudges. They're counter-productive. You put way more time and effort into hating someone than simply accepting them warts and all. And hey, you aren't perfect either!

10. I am not really saying this, but I've heard it oft quoted, and I think it's brilliant. I believe it is ascribed to John Lennon, "Life is what happens while you are out making other plans". Accept this and your life will be a lot easier.

11. Learn to live with a servant's heart. I know I've already said this as part of my 'manifesto' but I really feel it bears repeating. The way you treat the supermarket check out girl is a direct reflection of your character. Care about people. Respect their worth as individuals. It is just as easy to bless as it is to curse.

12. Stuff is just that. Stuff. It weighs you down. Don't accumulate junk you don't need just for the sake of the acquisition.

13. Read. Read everything you can get your hands on. If you are going to accumulate 'stuff', accumulate knowledge, accumulate wisdom. It never goes stale.

14. Practice patience. I know when you are just entering adulthood, it's hard to realize that you aren't always going to feel the way you feel right now, but things do change, you deepen, you mature. If something doesn't feel right, respect that feeling, it's your gut telling you 'no'. Be patient, the right house, the right car, the right job, the right man, they are out there. Don't settle for second best. Believe me that gut feeling, it's almost always right. I can't tell you the number of things I wish I 'd listened to my gut not to buy, not to date, not to do.

15. It's a cliché' I know, but time really does heal many things. The broken heart, it will heal. The pain, it will go away. The fear, it will recede. What time can do, when you look back, is simply amazing.

So my dear niece. This is what I wanted to tell you today. All the things I so wish someone had told me.
Truthfully, a lot of them, you'll have to figure out on your own, by trial and error, by failure, and unfortunately, yes by pain and suffering from time to time.

As you venture out in the world, I wish you much happiness and success. But most of all I wish you love.

Your Older and Wiser  - Aunt Jill