Gen X Retro Flashback- "Countdown" Rush

Countless times I sat down in front of this PC to write about the NASA Space Shuttles. Every time so far, I have faltered trying to put into words what it meant to me. Maybe it was growing up in Florida, growing up in the 80's, I think it was different for us here.

Back in the 80's, kids dreamed of going on Double Dare and  maybe winning a grand prize trip to Alabama to go to Space Camp, here in Florida it was a rite of passage taking a field trip to the Kennedy Space Center, we had extensive science class units on the shuttle, learning all about its bombay doors, the solid rocket boosters, the much heralded robotic arm. We always left our classrooms on shuttle days to walk out in single file lines to sports fields to catch a glimpse of Columbia, Challenger, Discovery, Endeavour and Atlantis. We remember only too well the bitterly cold January day in 1986 when a usual launch day turned into a solemn day of grief.

I can honestly say that I viewed nearly every launch of the shuttle in some way.  On TV, once or twice out at KSC, in my driveway, parking lots, school football fields and I can hardly ever remember a time when I didn't get goose bumps or a little bit of a lump in my throat. I saw the first launch of the program as a child and I was there for the last as an adult woman. Full Circle.

Maybe to some, it was a hunk of metal that cost uneccessary tax dollars and didn't always perform as it should, but to me it was special. It was emblematic of the American pioneering spirit, and here in Florida, I can tell you it was absolutely magical.

Back in 2011, when the last shuttle missions were flown, I wrote the only letter I've ever sent to the White House asking for justification of ending the program that meant so much to so many in terms of employment, tourism, and national pride. It was probably the equivalent of drunk texting, except I was only drunk and maudlin on my own tears, and I am sure that it probably never saw the light of day to anyone who mattered. But those little white spacecraft meant the world to me.

In 1981, the band Rush traveled to Florida to observe a launch of the space shuttle Columbia and they wrote the song "Countdown" to express what they felt. To me, it sums up everything about what it was like to be there, to see it. And a few years ago, a fan took the song and synced it with photos of the various shuttle missions, dozens and dozens of images. It's a labor of love, and I wanted to share it with you today as the flashback. I've  included the lyrics as well. So here from 1981, is Countdown:

Lit up with anticipation
We arrive at the launching site
The sky is still dark, nearing dawn
On the Florida coastline

Circling choppers slash the night
With roving searchlight beams
This magic day when super-science
Mingles with the bright stuff of dreams
Floodlit in the hazy distance
The star of this unearthly show
Venting vapours, like the breath
Of a sleeping white dragon

Crackling speakers, voices tense
Resume the final count
All systems check, T minus nine
As the sun and the drama start to mount

The air is charged
A humid, motionless mass
The crowds and the cameras,
The cars full of spectators pass
Excitement so thick you could cut it with a knife
Technology...high, on the leading edge of life

The earth beneath us starts to tremble
With the spreading of a low black cloud
A thunderous roar shakes the air
Like the whole world exploding

Scorching blast of golden fire
As it slowly leaves the ground
Tears away with a mighty force
The air is shattered by the awesome sound

Like a pillar of cloud
The smoke lingers high in the air
In fascination
With the eyes of the world
We stare...

Allies

This past Saturday, some members of my family gathered for a Kentucky Derby dinner. It was an excuse to get together, pig out on good things like smoked chicken, and bourbon-laced pie (relax, the alcohol cooks off!) talk and of course, watch the race. Due to the circumstances of my parents' divorce in my teens, most of these family members are what I like to call 'shirt tail relatives', no less beloved or kindred, they are not blood. And my stepfather's sister brought along her mother-in-law, a lady I've only met on a couple of occasions, but whom I've always liked.

She's eighty eight and I can only hope to be as sharp and in possession of my wits as she when I am in my eighties. Impeccably groomed, her silver hair set in elegant waves, she wore a pair of tan trousers with razor sharp creases, and a matching blouse with a high neckline and the jabot had in it's center a brooch, in fact in the few instances we've met, I've never seen her without a brooch. Her feet were clad in a pair of sensible white walking shoes, but I'd bet my car that given her choice and without the inconvenience of age and a delicate hip, she'd have worn a pair of heels.

During the course of conversation, the topic of cooking came up and she matter of factly stated that she wasn't much of a cook, 'I was too busy being a businesswoman' she said. I wondered about that, and after the race was run and the ladies had adjourned to the living room for chat, I drew her out and asked what she meant by being 'busy as a business woman' and this elegant petite lady told me of the businesses she'd run, a salon and as a women's clothier. It was interesting that, as so many people do, she had stayed mostly quiet during dinner, etc, but when asked about her business, all at once she became quite animated, her true passion unmasked, as if she'd just been waiting for someone to ask her about it. She told me that her first trip by herself ever was to New York as a buyer for her clothing store. I thought of this young woman traveling by herself on business in a time where it just wasn't done and the courage that must have taken. Although in truth I've never been much of a feminist, all the same I thought about the strides she taken for women, etc. I just admired her pluck.

Then all at once, the tenor of the conversation changed and she began to reminisce about her husband, an air force pilot during WWII, who flew the 'hump' (China, Burma, India) on dangerous bombing raids, an all but forgotten arena of the war now. And it was then that I realised, she wasn't really alone on those trips, making the businesses work, it wasn't about feminist independence, it was about the reality of trying to make a life for her husband to come back to. And that if he might not have been there in person, he was with her in spirit, an ally, a person to make a life with. What she did wasn't for her, it was for them.

Earlier on in the day, my mother and I looked at a photo of our extended family that I'd seen several times before. With grief now more in the rear window, we were able to look at Uncle Bob again without tears, enjoy his goofy childish grin as he sat on my Grandpa's lap. My mother related to me the fact that, although she had looked at the photo countless times before, there were things she hadn't seen before. For one, she'd never before noticed the date of the photo, but looking at the faces of her brother and cousins, she began trying to work out what it might have been. To confirm it, hoping that there might be a scrawl on the back to confirm her suspicions, she prized the photo from its frame, and there it was, 1945. She noted Christmas decorations in the photo, meagre but there. She saw as never before how thin and angular her parents faces appeared, no doubt due to the rationing, the strain of casualty lists inscribed with the names of friends and acquaintances who would never return home, the worry about being bombed, how to feed their new and growing family,  about my aunt who worked as a WAC at Walter Reed Hospital.  So on this day in 1945, we see a family re-united, together, intact, whole, celebrating not only the holiday but no doubt the end of a World War. To the left of this family tableau is my Great-Grandmother, surveying her children, her grandchildren and looking to her husband, to the right is my Great-Grandfather surveying his children, his grandchildren, looking to his wife.  Their expressions say, "We made it through, we're all still here" Husband and Wife, allies...

Throughout my long and protracted and ultimately unsucessful search for the ideal mate, I had never before considered this. The intangible benefits of being with a person who is truly united with you in something that is bigger than mere human attraction. What Match.com, E-Harmony, Zoosk, Christian Mingle, etc. never tell you is, that while you might find in someone's profile their vital statistics, their predilections for certain types of foods, bands, books and pets, that what you really need to know about that person is if they are going to be your friend, are they going to be an ally, are they going to be (in the current venacular), someone who 'has your back',  someone you can count on in the hard times, in the lean times, in short someone who'll turn their life inside out to make a life with you. Somehow, my great-grandparents knew that, and my shirt-tale relative business-lady. They figured out that while looks fade, attraction fades, that there is no substitute for substance.

A few years back, in an emotional valley, I listened to a woman on Oprah (I know, I know...don't judge me,) tell us how we didn't have the man we wanted, because we didn't know what we really wanted, what our 'mandate' was, and so on her advice, I crafted a 3-legal-size-page list of my 'must have' characteristics in a mate. She insisted that we be specific down to the hair and eye color.  Looking back at that list now, what I see is a man with the mashed up features of Richard Armitage, Toby Stephens, Hugh Grant and Colin Firth, with a dash of Johnny Lee Miller, Phil Mickleson's cute grin and somewhere in there, attributes of both Bruce Willis and Andre Agassi... So a balding handsome ginger-haired yet broodingly dark Englishman American with the sense of humor of Jerry Seinfeld, the intellect of an Oxford Don, the spirtual characteristics of Billy Graham, the altruism of Albert Schweitzer who loves the Beatles, the color blue and would never criticize me for anything!

Tonight, I unearthed that list from the recesses of my closet, I tore it up into tiny shreds and thought, maybe I'll follow the advice of the greatest generation. Maybe it just might be... that what I really need is an ally.

Gen X Retro Flashback- New Song- Howard Jones

I picked this one because it's been playing in my head now for a couple of days. I think I must have heard this one someone's piped in Muzak, and it just seemed so very 80's - New Wave. I absolutely loved Howard Jones; he's probably more known for hits like 'No One is To Blame' and 'Things Can Only Get Better', but I almost love this one better because it's more obscure. Things to look for in the video are 80's mod fashions and a guy with well...many chains.

It's So Funny How We Don't Talk Anymore....

The other day I arrived at work with my nightgown draped over my arm.

True story.  No I wasn't doing the 'walk of shame' and I hadn't recently escaped from some institution that denied me the use of scissors or well...my arms for that matter.

Nevertheless there I was was, nightgown in hand. 

It's easily explained away, I sit in a cubicle that is situated directly under an air conditioning vent which means that despite the fact that it may in fact be April or August, you will probably find me with my arms covered in some kind of 'shrug' or wrap. My favorite one is this little stretch black cotton number that has 3-quarter sleeves and is in fact the same color and fabric as my nightie. So running out the door, I grabbed my 'shrug' and ended up at work with my night-gown.

This all led me to think that maybe, just maybe, I needed to slow down a bit.

I've always hated the term multi-tasking. Probably because I am not one of those people who easily does it. For MASH fans, I've always subscribed to the Charles Emerson Winchester, III methodology, (must be said in a condescending pseudo-British Boston accent) "I do one thing, I do it very well and then I move on".

However, I live in this world that insists that we go at everything with breakneck speed and somehow the iconoclast in me is roused and I feel frantic at the loss of peace, quality, thoroughness. The truth is, you just can't rush everything.

I've always liked to say I am analog in a digital world but of late, I feel more like I'm unplugged and acoustic!

Non-company just moved everyone to a new social networking interface called "Yammer". Probably some of you Millenials are familiar with it. It's like Facebook...only instead of updating people on how much you love your husband, what you had for lunch or how your trip to Disney went, people on Yammer, well, yammer about how much they love their job, how they wish they could step out for lunch but are stuck completing their end of the month reports, and how that trip to visit X-Customer in Scranton went.

Once again, the dissenter in me rears her ugly head and bemoans the fact that people have quit writing letters, having face to face conversations, and relating to people. The other morning, I found myself yammering to my team who were sitting inches away that I would be in training all morning and my self-loathing reached epic proportions.

What's more ironic is that the training was all about engaging in respectful dialogs with one's colleagues! Basically, Non-Company could have saved itself several grand if they had just yammered out one 'tweet' outlining the Golden Rule, "Do Unto To Others As You Would Have Done To You". When I mentioned this to one of my colleagues, he sniffed derisively and huffed to me, "Not everyone's religious!" I tried but failed to restrain myself from saying that it was not a Bible verse as such, but a universal maxim that has similar application in, but not limited to Judaism, Confuscism, Buddhism, Hinduism, Islam, Zoroastrinism, and Christianity.

It's hard to observe the Golden Rule though or any rule for that matter when you're safely ensconced in your cubicle pecking away at your keyboard. Or in your home for that matter. I cannot even count the times when I've read the 'comments' section after an article and felt my stomach roil as I read remarks from otherwise seemingly benign, well-adjusted human beings who when roused could rival the meglomania of Joseph Stalin, Benito Mussolini, Pol Pot and Adolf Hitler put together. Or possibly the late Kim Jung Il, Sadaam Hussein,Yasser Arafat and Hugo Chavez put together. Sometimes it's as if, not hearing the words aloud prevents us from being able to filter, to restrain our malice, to temper our words with kindness.  One of my favorite theologians and humorists, the late Jamie Buckingham once said words, that I've quoted not once but hundreds of times "Sometimes it's better to be kind than to be right".

The next time you want to weigh in on an issue, Yammer with your colleagues, Facebook with your friends, maybe get up and walk to see them, pick up the phone, uncap the pen and relate personally. Okay, perhaps I reached a bit on the last one, but I've always been drawn to the fact that the Apostle Paul (and yeah, maybe I am being a bit 'religious' here) stressed the fact that he wrote his letters 'in his own hand' (probably depending on the era, his own hand might have meant a Royal Typewriter, an IBM Selectric, or a Mac) but the point is, he underwent considerable trouble and pain to obtain the parchments, the quills, ill to the point of death, Paul went out of his way to communicate, to relate. And his words form approximately half of the whole New Testament not to mention becoming the basis for the early Christian church.

So slow down a bit, get out from behind the PC, switch off your 'droid for an hour, and talk. Or you too might find yourself clutching your nightgown over your arm and wondering where it all went wrong.

Flashback Fridays-Gen X Retro Flashback

Ok, am stealing this idea from a fellow blogger, who has his own, 'Music Tuesdays'.
It's been awhile since I did a Retro Flashback, but I am going to try and feature a Retro Flashback every Friday starting this week.

For the week ending 4/26, I'm sending this one out to 'Bamafan' (you know who you are). For being a loyal supporter, and fellow lover of all things 80's, Bamafan, here's your long-distance dedication...

"Waiting For A Star to Fall"- Boy Meets Girl (1988)
(the little girl in the video is apparently members Merill and Rubicam's real life daughter)

Waiting For A Star To Fall...

There was a one-hit wonder around 1988, by a group called 'Boy Meets Girl' with this title. I remember loving the track, all full of romance and promise and big synthesized 80's sound. Apparently it made the rounds of the studio industry, being discarded by the likes of the late Whitney Houston, and Belinda Carlisle of Go-Go's fame who had a smash solo album out at about the same time.

This pop group was formed of a husband and wife team who were writers and back-up singers on many of Houston's top hits like 'How Will I Know' and 'I Wanna Dance With Somebody' and others like Bette Midler. They had exactly one hit with this song on their own. 

I'm saying all that to say that sometimes despite all of your best efforts, what you want to say or do may not always be embraced by the world, the public at large.

I feel that a lot lately. Just last week, the office grapevine at Non-Company working overtime, let it be known that another co-worker, another temp like me but who had started about 6 months after I did (on this assignment) was on the fast track for being hired on permanently. I confronted HR and management and was firmly but oh so politely informed that, it pretty much, was none of my business. "She's in a different department". It was a nice way of saying we don't have to explain, we're doing it. It put me in mind of a comedy sketch on Laugh-In, where Lily Tomlin played condescending phone operator Ernestine, "We don't care, we don't have to, we're the Phone Company!" Or my sister, who is fond of quoting the phrase, 'Suck it up cupcake!'

All kidding aside, it hurts, I mean REALLY hurts. It's like an emotional sucker punch to the gut. I know that you are supposed to automatically lose that 'it-isn't-fair' mentality when you reach adulthood, maturity, but the truth is, the angry little girl isn't as far below the surface as she should be.
If you're me, you scramble to go about life, working hard and trying to keep so busy, that the comtemplative moments when you sit there and ponders the why's aren't so frequent. But nevertheless, they come...boy do they come.

Have you ever felt that your whole inside was awash in sobs, while on the outside you smiled pretty, put on your lipstick, eyeliner, collected the mail, filed your files, typed your 80 emails, and politely answered the phone? 

My life lately is a haze of Advil to control the headaches, too many Famous Amos choc chip cookies to dull the pain, because the sugar high allows me to feel good for a few minutes, too much escape into old NCIS and Big Bang Theory Eps to pass the time so I don't dwell on the fact that life seems to be passing me by while I search in vain for a career. I obsess over the health of my pets and hug them too hard to make up for the lack of relationships and children.

And in the scraps of time that are left over, I sit here with my hands poised over this keyboard trying to somehow marshall my errant thoughts into treatises that I hope will somehow astonish the world, only to find that world doesn't really want my thoughts, my words. They want a South Korean rapping about Gangnam Style (whatever that is), they want videos of cats doing cute cat things, they want flash mobs doing dub step (whatever that is), they want to feel bad about oppressive African warlords (Kony) which they in turn will do nothing about except feel bad.

Like the song, so many times, my life itself feels like it's a waiting for a star to fall...

Breaking Down

A couple of months ago, I departed a Walgreens parking lot that was the anchor of a larger strip mall. As I reversed the car out of the parking lot; I halted suddenly hearing a spate of loud yelling. A woman's yell... more of a frenzied shriek actually. My first thought, was

"Oh my God, I've hit her!"

But as I checked the views (again) in the rearview mirror and the side windows, with a deep sigh of relief that came from the depths of my being, I realized that she was actually about 6 cars away, she had also begun reversing her car, when from around the corner, a Jimmy Johns delivery driver who thinking he had enough time and space to continue the turn without harming her, had driven around the corner. The woman in the car just went beserk, she actually jerked the car out horizontally and deliberately blocked the driver, basically trapping him where he couldn't move his truck at all, and when I say she unloaded on him, she unloaded on him, screaming, cursing and flailing her arms about. The driver repeatedly tried to apologize, tried to explain, but she was having none of it. The thing I remember her saying most often, when she wasn't dropping the f-bomb, is, 'Why, why couldn't you JUST HAVE WAITED'  'COULDN'T YOU JUST HAVE (insert curse with ing) WAITED' 'WHY ARE YOU SO (insert curse with ing) IN A HURRY'.

For me, it was obvious, he was trying to get food out to customers and was racing the clock. And I suspect once the woman simmered down, she would have realized it too. But it also occurred to me that her diatribe wasn't necessarily aimed at THAT delivery driver at THAT particular time, it could have been anyone at any time. He just happened to be there, a convenient scapegoat.  She'd just had enough. A tiny part of me sympathized, countless times I've felt the same way inside, but just never reached the point where my anger overcame my inherent shyness, my extreme dislike of 'scenes', the horror of confrontation.

I've thought of this scene again and again in my mind over the last few months since I witnessed it. For me, it seems to be sort of a visual metaphor for our society of late.

You can say all you want about how tragedies on the order of the Sandy Hook School Shooting, the Colorado Movie Theatre Massacre, etc. have been happening all throughout the whole scope of human history. You can conveniently explain it away, that it's just recently that we've had 24-hour news outlets like CNN, MSNBC, FOX News, etc., but I'm sensing something deeper, more malevolent lately. Just watching people break down more and more every day.

I didn't say a great deal about the New Town tragedy when it happened because it occurred at the same time as the deaths of my uncle and grandmother. There comes a point when it's just more than the human heart can bear.

The faces of the children... I remember standing in the breakroom at Noncompany watching a few moments of a memorial for the slain schoolchildren. I had taken my customary 5 mins away from my desk to dash in for hot water to prepare my morning chamomile and just happened to be there as it began. With me at that moment was an immigrant woman who takes care of the janitorial needs at the company and while there is enough of a language barrier that mostly I smile at her and nod a lot, and we say "Hi" because she knows that word, there came a moment when I learned more about her character than words can ever say. There as we stood looking up at the TV monitor and I was biting the inside of my lip to keep myself from tearing up, she simply leaned her arms onto the yellow cart she pushes, bowed her head, closed her eyes and I watched her lips moving in words of silent prayer. Perhaps for the children who lost their lives, perhaps for their parents who lost their legacy, their immortality...perhaps for me because I was too full of pride to cry the tears that overflowed inside me.

It happened again yesterday...another senseless tragedy. A road of marathon runners, suddenly strewn with limbs, the stench of blood, the anguished cries of victims, the shriek of ambulances. Another 8 year old boy who was there to watch his father fulfill a dream, cut down before he can play the piano, become a football star, go to his high school prom, fall in love, marry. Gone. Gone at 8.  There were others of course, but it's this young boy that I can't get out of my head.

I am weary of hearing the debates over what constitutes an act of terrorism, is it domestic, is it foreign? How did they do it? Who did it?  Tired of the politics...the speculation, the endless talking...

All I know tonight is that an eight year old and 2 adults died and scores of others were wounded and maimed.

And that our society just broke down a little further.