Waiting For A Star To Fall...

There was a one-hit wonder around 1988, by a group called 'Boy Meets Girl' with this title. I remember loving the track, all full of romance and promise and big synthesized 80's sound. Apparently it made the rounds of the studio industry, being discarded by the likes of the late Whitney Houston, and Belinda Carlisle of Go-Go's fame who had a smash solo album out at about the same time.

This pop group was formed of a husband and wife team who were writers and back-up singers on many of Houston's top hits like 'How Will I Know' and 'I Wanna Dance With Somebody' and others like Bette Midler. They had exactly one hit with this song on their own. 

I'm saying all that to say that sometimes despite all of your best efforts, what you want to say or do may not always be embraced by the world, the public at large.

I feel that a lot lately. Just last week, the office grapevine at Non-Company working overtime, let it be known that another co-worker, another temp like me but who had started about 6 months after I did (on this assignment) was on the fast track for being hired on permanently. I confronted HR and management and was firmly but oh so politely informed that, it pretty much, was none of my business. "She's in a different department". It was a nice way of saying we don't have to explain, we're doing it. It put me in mind of a comedy sketch on Laugh-In, where Lily Tomlin played condescending phone operator Ernestine, "We don't care, we don't have to, we're the Phone Company!" Or my sister, who is fond of quoting the phrase, 'Suck it up cupcake!'

All kidding aside, it hurts, I mean REALLY hurts. It's like an emotional sucker punch to the gut. I know that you are supposed to automatically lose that 'it-isn't-fair' mentality when you reach adulthood, maturity, but the truth is, the angry little girl isn't as far below the surface as she should be.
If you're me, you scramble to go about life, working hard and trying to keep so busy, that the comtemplative moments when you sit there and ponders the why's aren't so frequent. But nevertheless, they come...boy do they come.

Have you ever felt that your whole inside was awash in sobs, while on the outside you smiled pretty, put on your lipstick, eyeliner, collected the mail, filed your files, typed your 80 emails, and politely answered the phone? 

My life lately is a haze of Advil to control the headaches, too many Famous Amos choc chip cookies to dull the pain, because the sugar high allows me to feel good for a few minutes, too much escape into old NCIS and Big Bang Theory Eps to pass the time so I don't dwell on the fact that life seems to be passing me by while I search in vain for a career. I obsess over the health of my pets and hug them too hard to make up for the lack of relationships and children.

And in the scraps of time that are left over, I sit here with my hands poised over this keyboard trying to somehow marshall my errant thoughts into treatises that I hope will somehow astonish the world, only to find that world doesn't really want my thoughts, my words. They want a South Korean rapping about Gangnam Style (whatever that is), they want videos of cats doing cute cat things, they want flash mobs doing dub step (whatever that is), they want to feel bad about oppressive African warlords (Kony) which they in turn will do nothing about except feel bad.

Like the song, so many times, my life itself feels like it's a waiting for a star to fall...