Magic

Colleague of mine at work comes to me the other day and says that "It's time I got out there again and started dating." She goes on to extol the virtues of Match.com, E-Harmony, etc. She'll even help me create a profile. At first, I demure politely, not wanting to shake the image that she has of me. An image in which as she puts it, I'm way too smart and pretty to be uncoupled. I'm flattered, who wouldn't be? But finally, I say "No thanks, I've been down that road."

She persists and finally, the mean old spinster that lives deep down in me, snaps, "No, I just don't want to. I mean it!" And she slinks away, probably not thinking me that smart, or pretty anymore, for that matter.

I sit there and mostly feel bad (in case you wondering, of course I apologized) about my attitude and for snapping at a woman who so obviously means well. A woman who can't understand why I am so anti-dating. After all, she loved dating. And at the age of 46, even older than I am, she reminds me, and one disastrous first marriage, she met her soul mate.

If I'm honest, the first thing I ponder is the mental capacity of a woman who purports to 'love dating'. I put dating in the category of things like a visit to my gynecologist, filing my taxes, or having dental surgery, i.e., things that I dread but that I'm supposed to do for my own good, or so that I don't break the law.

Dating always felt like the ultimate job interview. And just like in 3rd grade kickball team choosing or a real interview (seriously have you never read this blog!!!), I usually wasn't chosen until last or once they'd exhausted all the much prettier and popular candidates. And in my often-times foolish, but highly romantic heart, that just isn't the way love is supposed to be. I don't want to be the candidate you pick because I'm what's left over and for that matter, who would?

Maybe I've seen too many Rom-Coms, or read too many sappy poems. But, I still, persist in believing in 'it'.   Love...magic...fate...or at the very least...kinship.

Yes, I'm a believer. In so many things. I believe in God, and my salvation, dreams, wishes. I believe in true love, romance and being with a person who is truly meant for you. I just don't see that being a product of an online profile.. Which is not to say that I haven't tried it in the past, with absolutely horrific and soul-destroying results. And I'm not being in the least dramatic when I say that. Parts of me were damaged in some of these manufactured on-line romances that I know now, contribute to my wariness, my trust issues, and so many times I wish I could turn the clock back and tell my younger self that you don't really need a relationship that badly to settle for what you are about to.

There is a line in the service of marriage that I have always been particularly drawn to, "those whom God hath joined together, let no man put asunder". So that must mean that God puts people together, God joins them together. I've always taken that to believe that I can rest, that this is out of my hands, my destiny is in safe-keeping, God's timing, His hands.

It's a little un-religious, but to me that's the ultimate magic. The sense that one day when I least expect it, a man will show up in my life, and he'll be the one. That I'll know him when I see him, because there will be recognition, kinship, a feeling like I've always known him, and maybe, hopefully a tall man, with handsome features and a wicked sense of humor.

I'd much rather wait on God's timing, then wait for a profile.

But above all, I know it will be...magic.