No, this title is not a knee-jerk reaction to the fact that three of my family members have died in the last 6 months or so. It's not really meant to be as touchy-feely as it sounds, but lately I've found, it is the truest thing I know.
One of my work colleagues is going through cancer, and when I say 'going through cancer', he IS. They've put him under the knife twice, subjected him to countless rounds of chemotherapy, and next week, he's undergoing radiation. The cancer has taken away body weight, his energy and made his voice as raspy as emery boards. What cancer hasn't taken away is his sense of humor, his devotion to Nascar and his unflagging optimism. Everytime I ask him tenatively, "How are you Rick?", without fail he'll say, "Well, I'm still on this side of the dirt!"
A few months earlier, I sat in the auditorium of a local high school attending a benefit for children afflicted by cancer and rare blood diseases. One by one, parents came and described...so matter of factly what they are up against, named diseases I'd never heard of, how many rounds of chemo their child had endured, how many procedures, how many sleepless nights in strange hospital rooms. It's a good thing the auditorium was darkened, there was barely a dry eye in the place. But again, what struck me was, not one of these parents or the children, children with shaved heads and twigs where arms and legs should be, ever lost their optimism. They enthused about the cancer society, they talked about upcoming birthdays, family vacations, detailed plans for 'after cancer' or 'for when they finally beat this cancer'. Not if...when.
A few years before that, I sat weeping on the phone as my mother told me in a bemused voice, that the diagnosis was in, 'it was cancer'. The words floored me with disbelief, 'my mother has cancer' (HAD) I could barely accept hearing it. I watched her go through the chemo, the fatigue, watched as the body weight dropped off to nothing leaving her looking more like a victim of Auschwitz than my mother. But through it all, she never accepted defeat, never gave way to pity, and only rarely did she even miss a day of work. Not if...when. When I beat this cancer.
It got me thinking. Really thinking.
If it isn't cancer, sometimes it's depression, it's fear, it's anxiety, it's living a life that is so centered around yourself that you forget, you forget to be grateful for the true gift that life is.
I know...I did.
A few years ago, I dropped out of life. To think about where I was a few years ago is to try and remember a stranger. A person cloaked in fear. Like many 30-somethings, and I daresay many Gen X'ers, I experienced panic-attacks. And then one day I found that my entire life was one big panic attack and for some years after that, I literally hid at home and shut out life. There were years that I only went out for basic necessities. The details aren't all that important. You can pick up almost any medical journal, or Google 'agoraphobia' and you will have a portrait of my life and many other sufferers.
I gave into the defeat, into the pity, I wallowed in it until my fingers and toes were pruney. I rejected the gift that I had been given.
And then slowly but miraculously, the fear began to recede. It's a great story how that happened, but I'll leave that for another time, that isn't what this is about. I began to embrace life again, I went outside, I went out of my comfort zone, and for the first time in a long while, I realized I was okay. I embraced the gift of everyday.
Sometimes, the gift is, for me, driving in my little black Miata, with the radio up and singing with all of my might! It's me being at a Beach Boys concert in huge outdoor ampitheater as I was the other weekend packed with people and not being catatonic with fear. Sometimes I look at other people and almost feel bad for them because they have no idea how great liberty really is. You can't know what true liberation is if you've never been captive.
And while I do not equate recovering from agoraphobia with defeating cancer, what is true is both of them require an attitude shift. Researchers are now quite clear in their belief that attitude is a major contributing factor toward the recovery of disease, whether the disease be mental or physical.
Your life can change with your next breath.
I urge you, don't reject the gift.
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